A sense of failure...

This blog entry has again no photographs, maybe I'll find some in due course. It also might be very cryptic for some, my friends will understand, though.

Monday marked a big defeat and failure for me. Not that I did not see it coming and not that I cannot and will not be able to live with the end result. I was in fact contemplating - no, that is too weak a word - I was working towards the very same objective and outcome. However, by my own volition and in my own timing.

But it feels - of course -different whether you control your destiny or whether someone else makes the decision for you, however desirable the outcome for you.

In particular if you get ambushed by the people who impose their decision on you and let you walk into this blindly and unexpectedly. You end up with a sense of defeat, powerlessness, vulnerability and even awkwardness. And of course, a sense of failure. But ultimately I will get over this.

Well, probably I could have guessed it - I had a very real and intense dream during the night from Sunday to Monday. I was dreaming that I felt a very potent threat. The only escape drove me to slide down a brightly-lit tube which was filled with blueish/greenish water. As I slid down the tube, it was filling with ever more water and I started to drown before I reached the exit of the tube. In panic, I had to force myself to wake up and leave this nightmare. I continued to fall in and out of this nightmare during that night.